The License Just Sucked All My Coolness

Being from California gives me some sort of cool factor. Or at least, I like to think it does. When I am talking to my Idaho relatives, I get the sense that my ideas are more progressive, that I dress quite hip and that the way I speak is more witty. I can say outdated shit like “That is the bomb dot com” or “Save the drama for your mama” and it is all new to them. Basically, I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture.

In reality, I have never been cool or hip.   
Ever.
But don’t tell that to my Idaho relatives.

Which brings me to my DMV story. First of all, let me just tell you that the Idaho DMV is a gorgeous, well run facility. It makes the California DMV look like some clinic in a war torn, third world country.

The Idaho DMV is brand new with comfortable seating for all, bright lighting, and flat screen televisions hanging up so you can watch the news while you wait. I make a mental note that this might be a nice place to hang out once the kids are in school. Grab a latte and spend a few hours people watching. Of course, all the seating and Tvs are unnecessary because you never have to wait.

While still living in California, I called the Idaho DMV to find out how to get our car registered here. Being a compulsive multi-tasker, I first set up a few projects I could work on while waiting on DMV hold. I knew from experience calling the California DMV that this would be an all day event. I get my coffee poured, all my projects set up, and I dial the Idaho DMV.

After a few rings an actual flesh and blood human answers, “Hello, how many I help you?”

“Oh, I am sorry”, I say. “I was trying to contact the DMV.”

“Yes, this is the DMV. How can I help you?”

I was so thrown off, I couldn’t speak. One of my multitasking projects was going to be making a list of things I needed to ask the DMV about. Once I compose myself and ask my questions, the woman on the line answers everything clearly. When I ask how to make an appointment, she chuckles. “Oh, you don’t need an appointment. Just come down any time and we will take care of everything for you.” She then thanks me as if it is actually her job and pleasure to help me. Amazing!

So, back to my Idaho DMV visit. As soon as you walk in, they have a greeter who directs you where you need to go. It is pretty clear where to go because everything is open and signs everywhere tell you what to do. It is a nice touch anyway. They have one of those number machines like at the bakery counter at the grocery store. I pull a number, step to the side, and my number is immediately called. I didn’t even have a chance to try out the comfy chairs! I fill out all the paperwork, take an online driving test, have my eyes checked by some little fancy laser machine, get my picture taken, and am handed my new Idaho driver’s license all within 20 minutes.

It was great. Except for one thing. In order to get my spiffy new Idaho license, I had to surrender my California license. I held onto it a little as the DMV guy took it from my hand. He gave me kind of a weird look so I had to let go. I wanted to grab it back and run screaming from the clean, pretty building. “No, no, you can’t take my coolness from me!”

As I get in my car, I take a look at my new license. The picture is decent and they even let me keep my old height and weight on there. When the DMV guy asked if that info was still the same as my California license, I said, “Sure, why not?” He didn’t catch my sarcasm and so left it all the same. I didn’t have to heart to tell him that I hadn’t changed it since age 25 and that maybe he needs to check his eyes in the fancy little laser machine because that, my dear, was about 40 pounds ago.

As I stare at my picture and the word “IDAHO” in block letters above it, I burst into tears. Holy shit, I think, I live in Idaho. I am an Idahoan. I am no longer cool. Not that I ever was, but you know what I mean. I pull myself together, turn on the car, and blaring from the radio is the song “California Girls” by that little tart Katy Perry.
Yes, Katy, I know.
Nothing comes close to the Golden Coast.